My dad always said, “you will never marry the person you love the most.” After two years of my marriage, I’ve realized that it’s true - my husband is not the love of my life.
It’s scary to admit, but even after all the pain and hurt he caused me, I still love my ex-boyfriend. After our relationship ended, I learnt I will never be with someone whom I love more than they love me – I can’t let myself be hurt like that again. I can’t be the vulnerable one.
I love my husband. I feel safe with him. I don’t regret our marriage, but sometimes I do wonder if it was the right decision. Did we rush it? What if he gave me more time? We had already been engaged for two years now, would prolonging it more have made a difference?
You think it’s just signing a piece of paper, sealing the deal. But it’s not. Now that I look at it, there’s a lot of things I didn’t get to do, there’s a lot of things I can’t do - because of him.
When he proposed, he thought I’d cry - I didn’t. I wasn’t ready to get married. I wanted to travel and work in different places around the world. Maybe Thailand? The Philippines? Yes, probably someplace tropical. I just wish I could have done more. You would ask why can’t I do it all now? But it’s not the same, there are more responsibilities, expectations, and simply the marriage life to commit to.
I’m happy and love my husband. Sometimes I just feel stuck.
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