It's been four years since she committed suicide and to this day it is difficult for me to digest the fact that she’s gone. It seems as if when a loved one passes away, their life becomes so much more remarkable and significant than it once was when you still had them. And then you start to take notice of all the beautiful experiences and memories they have left you with. As heartbroken as one could be from loss, one of the greatest pains is of regret and guilt. Regret for all the things you could have done but didn’t. And guilt for being in debt for everything they have given you.
I first met her seven years ago at the school table tennis team and it was simply love at first sight. We were this inseparable duo who had so much in common. Always hanging out together, exploring different places, going to beaches, ice-skating and sharing the deepest of thoughts. I still remember how we could text from night to daybreak with an endless amount of topics to cover. And when she wasn’t replying, I would be waiting in anticipation like an idiot who had nothing more important in the world to do. I had become this teenage fool who was too madly in love for his own good. I loved her and somewhere deep down, I knew she did too. But I guess my feelings of unworthiness and fear of losing a best friend didn’t allow me to have the courage to confess. And today I regret.
Despite how happy she always seemed to be, I always knew that inside, she struggled with demons of her own. From family pressure and expectations to anxiety and depression. While all I could do was “be there for her”.
One thing I feel like that always cheered her up was EDM (Electronic Dance Music). I was clueless when she first introduced it to me. It was like this alien music that I didn’t even know existed. But soon, I too fell in love with EDM. Aly & Fila’s “We control the sunlight” and Alex Morph’s “Angel’s Love” became two songs that we personally and emotionally shared together. It was her dream to one day learn and produce EDM of her own. One of many dreams she now would never be able to live.
I had just finished a debate competition when we first got news of her disappearance. We tried everything to find her. I tried everything. Even stayed up the entire night, hoping she would reply. Only to find out that she took her own life the very next day. I was drowning in this storm of emotions I couldn’t control. Many nights I would go to sleep crying and for a very long time blamed myself for not being enough for her, to a point where I began to resent myself.
I still do not know what it was that so suddenly led her to wave her last goodbye. But all I know is that as short of a life she lived, it truly was a beautiful one. Alongside the many beautiful memories and experiences, she has left me with, EDM is one gift I would forever treasure. And that is exactly what I am doing right now. Keeping her dream of becoming a DJ alive, by chasing it in her memory and our shared love for it. Keeping her ever bright light, alive.
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