I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder in P.5, and have been on medication since then. This darkness has pretty much followed me for half of my lifetime. Yes painful but yet somehow rewarding.
2018 was a traumatic year. It started with a serious migraine that put me in bed through the end of 2018. The pain became so intense that I attempted suicide and was admitted to the psychiatric ward. Shortly after I was discharged, my tutor passed away of cancer. And before I knew it DSE was at my doorstep. It was like every time I would try so hard to get back up, life would thrash me back down to that dark pit of pain. Despite not being fully recovered, I decided to sit for DSE as one last tribute to my late tutor.
That April of 2018 was a torture that left me with scars I could never be able to conceal. The loss, trauma, and uncontrollable emotions tore me apart, leaving me sleepwalking and slitting my wrists. It’s weird how calm I feel right now despite having gone through all that but I guess that’s just what life is. Or as the great Wade Wilson puts it, “Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief, commercial-like breaks of happiness.” And right now at this stage, I’m enjoying that “brief commercial-like break of happiness”.
After a year in Associate Degree, I’ve picked myself back up. Hard work definitely pays off and I got a 4.0 GPA for both semesters. I even met some of the closest people I would ever have in my life. Yes, there are times when I look back and feel ashamed of myself. There are times when I feel worthless and defeated and there are times when it feels pointless to even try getting back up. Indeed, the way to recuperation is tough. But you need to remember that’s just how life is. Be thankful to yourself for holding on this long, embrace your shadow, and love yourself.
You deserve to be loved You deserve to be selfish You deserve these brief commercial-like breaks of happiness.
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